LIFE IN A JAR

When things in your life seem almost too much to handle,
When 24 hours in a day is not enough;
remember the mayonnaise jar.

A professor stood before his philosophy class
and had some items in front of him..


When the class began, wordlessly,
he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar
and started to fill it with golf balls.

He then asked the students if the jar was full.
They agreed that it was.

The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly.
The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls.

He then asked the students again
if the jar was full.. They agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand
and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else.
He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded
With an unanimous 'yes.'

The professor then produced two cups of coffee from under the table
and poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively
filling the empty space between the sand.
The students laughed.

'Now,' said the professor, as the laughter subsided,
'I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life.


The golf balls are the important things - God, family,
children, health, friends, and favorite passions
Things that if everything else was lost
and only they remained, your life would still be full.

The pebbles are the things that matter like your job, house, and car..

The sand is everything else --
The small stuff.

'If you put the sand into the jar first,' he continued,
'there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls.
The same goes for life.

If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff,
You will never have room for the things that are
important to you.

So...

Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Wholeheartedly worship your God
Play with your children.
Take time to get medical checkups.
Take your partner out to dinner.

There will always be time
to clean the house and fix the dripping tap.

'Take care of the golf balls first --
The things that really matter.
Set your priorities. The rest is just sand.'

One of the students raised her hand
and inquired what the coffee represented.

The professor smiled.

'I'm glad you asked'.

It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem,
there's always room for a couple of cups of coffee with a friend.'

Please share this with others.

And do have a wonderful day....

NAIJA BIG..?

A beautiful woman having drinks alone in the lobby of a posh Sandton hotel
is approached by a Nigerian man who buys her a drink and starts chatting
her up. She notices the Rolex on his wrist.

'Oh my God! That's the biggest wristwatch I've ever seen.' 'Well, my dear, I
come from Nigeria . In Nigeria , everything is big.'

Later, his phone rings. She gasps at its size. 'Oh my God! That's the
biggest phone I've ever seen.' 'My dear, didn't I tell you? In Nigeria ,
everything is big.'

Later, as he's settling the bill, she sees his wallet. 'Oh my God! That's
the biggest wallet I've ever seen.' 'My dear, didn't I tell you? In Nigeria
, everything is big.'

By this time, she's downright impressed and when he asks her to spend the
night with him at his house, she eagerly agrees. Waiting for them outside is
his limo.

'Oh my God! This is the biggest car I've ever seen.' 'My dear, didn't I tell
you? In Nigeria , everything is big.'

This process is repeated when she sees his mansion, his Jacuzzi and the size
of his bed. When he takes off his clothes she cannot believe her eyes.

'Oh my God! That's the biggest dick I've ever seen.' 'But my dear, why are
you surprised? I've been telling you all night long; in Nigeria , everything
is big.'

At this point she takes off her clothes and they start shagging. Five
seconds into it, the Nigerian man jumps up off the bed. He is visibly angry,
calls a cab and orders her to leave his house. 'But everything was going so
well! What did I do wrong?'

'I HATE LIARS! WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME YOU WERE ALSO FROM NIGERIA!!"

WHY IS IT BLACK AND PINK?

At the National Art Gallery in Dublin, a husband and wife were staring
at a portrait that had them completely confused. The painting depicted
three black men totally naked sitting on a park bench. Two of the
figures had black willies, but the one in the middle had a pink Willie.

The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble
interpreting the painting and offered his assessment. He went on for
over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of
black men in a predominantly white, patriarchal society.

"In fact," he pointed out, "some serious critics believe that the pink
Willie also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression
Experienced by gay men in contemporary society."

After the curator left, an Irishman, approached the couple and
said,” Would you like to know what the painting is really about?"
"Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the
gallery?" asked the couple. "Because I'm the guy who painted it, "he
replied.
"In fact, there are no black men depicted at all. They're just
three Irish coal miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch."

HOLY COCK!!

The priest in a small Irish village loved the rooster
and ten hens he kept in the hen house behind the church.

One Sunday morning, before mass, he went

to feed the birds and discovered that the cock was missing.

He knew about cock fights in the village,
so he questioned his parishioners in church.

During mass, he asked the congregation,
'Has anybody got a cock?'

All the men stood up.

'No, no,' he said, 'that wasn't what I meant.
Has anybody seen a cock?'

All the women stood up.
'No, no,'
he said,
'that wasn't what I meant.
Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them?'

Half the women stood up.

'No, no,' he said,
'that wasn't what I meant.

Has anybody seen MY
cock?'

Sixteen altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up.

The priest collapsed.

I AM YOUR MASTER AND ROLE MODEL!!

This is pretty amazing
No cheating!!! This is a great psychological test and extremely accurate. It is amazing what modern math can do.

FIND OUT WHO TRULY IS YOUR ROLE MODEL. DON'T SCROLL DOWN YET, DO THE SIMPLE MATH BELOW, THEN SCROLL DOWN TO FIND YOUR HERO.
It's CRAZY how accurate this is!

No peeking!

1) Pick your favourite number between 1-9
2) Multiply by 3 then
3) Add 3
4) Then again, multiply by 3 (I'll wait while you get the calculator....)
5) You'll get a 2 or 3 digit number....
6) Add the digits together

Now Scroll down

With that number, see who your ROLE MODEL is from the list below:

1. Einstein

2. Sandra Day O'Connor
3. Prince Charles
4. Ghengis Khan
5. Bill Gates
6. Gandhi
7. Michael Jackson
8. Elvis Presley
9. The Master

10.John F. Kennedy

I know, I know....I just have that effect on people. One day, you too can be like me :-)

P.S. Stop picking different numbers!! I AM YOUR ROLE MODEL, JUST DEAL WITH IT!!!!!!

HELP!!

Can your partner be with your phone for a day and things remain the
same?

One Friday morning, John woke up hurriedly and prepared for work. He
worked in a busy institution and was expected early at work. His wife
worked a distance from where her husband's office was. As a result of
doing things in a hurry, John unknowingly, carried his wife's mobile
phone leaving behind his own. After he had gone his wife Jane noticed
the mix-up but it was too late for her to do anything about it. She
thought for a while and decided to carry her husband's phone in case he
came back for it.

On arriving at his place of work John noticed that he had confused his

wife's phone for his but decided not to go back for it. He sighed deeply
because he knew his wife could access romantic messages sent by his many
mistresses. His wife too was disgusted because she had several toy boys.

Drama began to unfold when John received an SMS intended for his wife
sent by somebody saved as 'Peter-Taxi', which read, "Hi sweetie, ope yo
monin' is fine, 4 me am okay just mad! My love 4 you kills me. I
couldn't stop dreaming about you even after we met last evening coz you
hold the password to ma heart." John was shocked to see this and thought
he understood why his wife had come home late the previous evening. He
decided to stay mum to see what more would come.

After one hour he received another SMS from somebody saved as
'Susan-Salon' which read, "Monin darling, ope ur fine, am also fine but
not so fine without seeing you next to me coz you control every part of
ma heart. Nice day sweetie, see you at lunch." The third SMS ticked in
from somebody saved as 'Winnie-Handbags' which read, "Monin ma beautiful
queen, I wish you were a gum, I would chew you every time, you make me
feel young like I was born yesterday, you without whom I would go on a
hunger strike. Have a bright day ma dear." John was deeply shocked by
these messages but knew that on the other side his wife might be seeing
drama too. Meanwhile, Jane had seen even more than her husband. She had
received three messages from three women that clearly showed they were
his mistresses. The first SMS was from a woman saved as 'Ochieng-Car
wash' which read, "Hi deah how's ur monin? 4 me am okay with ur son
here, he says he loves you so much n you should come n stay with us.

gday." Jane almost fainted on seeing this because she could not believe
that her husband had a son outside marriage.

Before her anger was over, she received a second SMS from'

'Omosh-Kinyozi' which read, "Monin ma deah, ope ur enjoyin ur day. Mine
can't be complete without you. Every time I sleep in this house you
bought 4 me I dream 2 love u always. The BM u bought me is perfect on
road. Thanks, g'day." The last message came from 'Karanja-Electician'

and read, "Sasa honey? Ope uko poa, mimi niko fiti hapa campo, lakini
nikumiss sana . But honey kuna doh tunadaiwa za project 40k, nita come
unishow vile tutalipa. Nice day love you big." Jane had found the answer
to why her husband was always penniless! When evening came John and Jane
met at home. They could hardly talk but only stared at one another with
suspicion.

Then they called you to intervene, sincerely would you solve this?

THE BLACK HOLE

INVITATION/ East African Art Biennale@Alliance

Art Exhibition:

East African Art Biennale 2009

For this fourth edition

of the East Africa Art Biennale:

the best artworks recently produced

by

87 artists

coming from

19 different

Countries

Grand Opening: Monday 2 Nov. 7pm

Alliance Française Exhibition Hall, FREE!

Open from 3 to 22 Nov. - Mon to Sat, 10am-6pm

KARIBUNI !

LOVE FROM THY NEIGHBOUR!

A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his mom on top of his dad
bouncing up and down. The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen. She dresses quickly and goes to find him..

The son sees his mom and asks, 'What were you and Dad doing?'

The mother replies, 'Well, you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it and help flatten it..'

'You're wasting your time,' said the boy.

'Why is that?' the mom asked puzzled.

'Well, when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her
knees and blows it right back up through a hose in Daddy's zipper.

The Mother fainted.