Monday, December 28, 2009
It has been a while since we had some candy! As expected, the boys stopped passing by to get free hand outs!Quite amazing!
Hope you enjoy the jokes, perhaps putting a smile or smirk on your face at some point in your dreary day?
I have decided to say Happy New Year to all of you by featuring the lady of the Year! Rihanna! Now R-Rated, she has had an engaging year! We are now watching her perhaps de-stressing?
Whatever it is, Good gal Gone Bad gett'n our Voltrons Up!!
With that, she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on." He tried them on, and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecap. He said, "Hell, I can't get into your panties!" She said, "That's right and that's the way it's going to be until your stupid attitude changes!"
'Something for my mother, please,' replied Emily sweetly.
'Something for your mother? Well, that's very loving and thoughtful of you,' smiled Santa. 'What do would you like me to bring her?'
Without turning a hair Emily answered quickly, 'A son-in-law.'
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
Please come back to STAY with me.
You left in such a rush last month,
I didn't even have time to tell you about my plans.
I'm sorry about what I did last month.
I promise I'll be good this month.
Luv you with all my debts!
Shhhhhhhh..... don't tell anyone....I think NMB Bank, CRDB, Stanbic, AZANIA and
NBC are bankrupt . Yesterday I tried to draw money at all their ATM's, and I got the same
message "Insufficient Funds"
They too don't have cash!
Monday, December 14, 2009
fly south for the winter. However, soon the weather turned so cold that
he reluctantly started to fly south. In a short time ice began to form
on his wings and he fell to earth in a barnyard, almost frozen. A cow
passed by and crapped on the little sparrow.
The sparrow thought it was the end. But the manure warmed him and
defrosted his wings. Warm and happy, able to breathe, he started to
Just then a large cat came by and, hearing the chirping, investigated
the sounds. The cat cleared away the manure, found the chirping bird,
and promptly ate him.
THE MORAL OF THE STORY
1) Everyone who shits on you is not necessarily your enemy.
2) Everyone who gets you out of the shit is not necessarily your
3) And if you're warm and happy in a pile of shit, keep your mouth
"Well that depends on what size you are." the young lady replies.
"Well, I really don't know, I've never bought a box before."
"Well," the girs says "if you go out back, you will find a fence just outside the door with three holes in it, a small, medium, and large hole. Just stick your penis in each hole and what ever hole fits best that's what size you are."
"O.K, I'll be right back."
Meanwhile the girl sneaks out back before the man gets there drops her pants and backs up to the small hole.
The man gets there, whips out his thing and pokes it in the small hole, takes it out and goes to the medium hole. Meanwhile the girls also backs up to the medium hole, then to the large hole at the same time the man tries out each size.
After the man finishes, he zips up and returns to the cash, where he finds the young girl already there.
"Did you find out what size you are?" She asks him.
"No!" the man replies, "but I would like to buy 12 feet of that fence!"
"Hello?" says a little girl's voice.
"Hi, honey, it's Daddy," says John. "Is Mommy near the phone?"
"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Fred."
After a brief pause, John says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Fred, honey!"
"Yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy!"
"Okay, then. Here's what I want you do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout in to Mommy and Uncle Fred that my car's just pulled up outside the house."
"Okay, Daddy!" A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. "Well, I did what you said, Daddy."
"And what happened?"
"Well, Mommy jumped out of bed and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went out the front window and now she's all dead."
"Oh, my God! What about Uncle Fred?"
"He jumped out of bed too, and he was all scared, and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool. But he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he's dead too."
There is a long pause.
"Swimming pool? Sorry wrong number.
Jim and Mary were both patients in a Mental Hospital. One day while they
were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sunk to the bottom and stayed there. Mary promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.
When the medical director became aware of Mary's heroic act he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as he now considered her to be mentally stable.
When he went to tell Mary the news he said, "Mary, I have good news and
bad news. The good news is you're being discharged because since you were
able to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you've regained your senses. The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead."
Mary replied "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry."
walk the beat.
They had only been out a short while when Mary said, "Damn,
I was running late this morning after my workout and after I
showered, I forgot to put on my panties! We have to go back
to the station to get them."
George replied, "We don't have to go back, just give the K-9
unit, Fido, one sniff, and he will go fetch them for you."
It was a hot day and Mary didn't fell like heading back to the
station, so she lifted her skirt for the dog. Fido's nose
shoots between her legs, sniffing and snorting.
After 10 seconds of sniffing, Fido's ears pick up, he sniffs
the wind, and he is off in a flash towards the station house.
Five minutes go by and no sign of Fido.
Ten minutes pass, and the dog is nowhere to be seen.
Fifteen minutes pass, and they are starting to worry.
Twenty minutes pass, and they hear sirens in the distance.
The sirens get louder and louder. Suddenly, followed by a
dozen police cars, Fido rounds the corner with the Desk
Sergeant's balls in his mouth.
Monday, December 7, 2009
His wife was thrilled by this new display of attention and all went well until one day, some bouquets later, when he came home, kissed his wife and said off-handedly, "Nice flowers, honey. Where'd you get them?"
Can we share the challenges we face in making decisions!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A group of children were playing near two railway tracks, one still in use while the other disused.
Only one child played on the disused track, the rest on the operational track.
The train is coming, and you are just beside the track interchange.
You can make the train change its course to the disused track and save most of the kids.
However, that would also mean the lone child playing by the disused track would be sacrificed.
Or would you rather let the train go its way?
Let's take a pause to think what kind of decision we could make........ .......
Most people might choose to divert the course of the train, and sacrifice only one child. You might think the same way, I guess. Exactly, to save most of the children at the expense of only one child was rational decision most people would make, morally and emotionally. But, have you ever thought that the child choosing to play on the disused track had in fact made the right decision to play at a safe place?
Nevertheless, he had to be sacrificed because of his ignorant friends who chose to play where the danger was.
This kind of dilemma happens around us everyday. In the office, community, in politics and especially in a democratic society,
the minority is often sacrificed for the interest of the majority, no matter how foolish or ignorant the majority are, and how farsighted and knowledgeable the minority are. The child who chose not to play with the rest on the operational track was sidelined. And in the case he was sacrificed, no one would shed a tear for him.
The great critic Leo Velski Julian who told the story said he would not try to change the course of the train because he believed that the kids playing on the operational track should have known very well that track was still in use, and that they should have run away if they heard the train's sirens.. If the train was diverted, that lone child would definitely die because he never thought the train could come over to that track! Moreover, that track was not in use probably because it was not safe.
If the train was diverted to the track, we could put the lives of all passengers on board at stake!
And in your attempt to save a few kids by sacrificing one child, you might end up sacrificing hundreds of people to save these few kids.
While we are all aware that life is full of tough decisions that need to be made, we may not realize that hasty decisions may not always be the right one.
'Remember that what's right isn't always popular... and what's popular isn't always right.'
Everybody makes mistakes; that's why they put erasers on pencils.
Have a blessed week
From my friend Rwekaza
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
is approached by a Nigerian man who buys her a drink and starts chatting
her up. She notices the Rolex on his wrist.
'Oh my God! That's the biggest wristwatch I've ever seen.' 'Well, my dear, I
come from . In Nigeria , everything is big.'
Later, his phone rings. She gasps at its size. 'Oh my God! That's the
biggest phone I've ever seen.' 'My dear, didn't I tell you? In Nigeria ,
everything is big.'
Later, as he's settling the bill, she sees his wallet. 'Oh my God! That's
the biggest wallet I've ever seen.' 'My dear, didn't I tell you? In Nigeria
, everything is big.'
By this time, she's downright impressed and when he asks her to spend the
night with him at his house, she eagerly agrees. Waiting for them outside is
'Oh my God! This is the biggest car I've ever seen.' 'My dear, didn't I tell
you? In Nigeria , everything is big.'
This process is repeated when she sees his mansion, his Jacuzzi and the size
of his bed. When he takes off his clothes she cannot believe her eyes.
'Oh my God! That's the biggest dick I've ever seen.' 'But my dear, why are
you surprised? I've been telling you all night long; in Nigeria , everything
At this point she takes off her clothes and they start shagging. Five
seconds into it, the Nigerian man jumps up off the bed. He is visibly angry,
calls a cab and orders her to leave his house. 'But everything was going so
well! What did I do wrong?'
'I HATE LIARS! WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME YOU WERE ALSO FROM NIGERIA!!"
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
at a portrait that had them completely confused. The painting depicted
three black men totally naked sitting on a park bench. Two of the
figures had black willies, but the one in the middle had a pink Willie.
The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble
interpreting the painting and offered his assessment. He went on for
over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of
black men in a predominantly white, patriarchal society.
"In fact," he pointed out, "some serious critics believe that the pink
Willie also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression
Experienced by gay men in contemporary society."
After the curator left, an Irishman, approached the couple and
said,” Would you like to know what the painting is really about?"
"Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the
gallery?" asked the couple. "Because I'm the guy who painted it, "he
"In fact, there are no black men depicted at all. They're just
three Irish coal miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch."
The priest in a small Irish village loved the rooster
and ten hens he kept in the
, before mass, he went behind the church.
to feed the birds and discovered that the cock was missing.
He knew about cock fights in the village,
so he questioned his parishioners in church.
During mass, he asked the congregation,
'Has anybody got a cock?'
All the men stood up.
'No, no,' he said, 'that wasn't what I meant.
Has anybody seen a cock?'
All the women stood up.
'that wasn't what I meant.
Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them?'
Half the women stood up.
'No, no,' he said,
'that wasn't what I meant.
Has anybody seen MY
Sixteen altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up.
The priest collapsed.
This is pretty amazing
No cheating!!! This is a great psychological test and extremely accurate. It is amazing what modern math can do.
FIND OUT WHO TRULY IS YOUR
It's CRAZY how accurate this is!. DON'T SCROLL DOWN YET, DO THE SIMPLE MATH BELOW, THEN SCROLL DOWN TO FIND YOUR HERO.
1) Pick your favourite number between 1-9
2) Multiply by 3 then
3) Add 3
4) Then again, multiply by 3 (I'll wait while you get the calculator....)
5) You'll get a 2 or 3 digit number....
6) Add the digits together
Now Scroll down
With that number, see who your ROLE MODEL is from the list below:
2. Sandra Day O'Connor
3. Prince Charles
4. Ghengis Khan
7. Michael Jackson
8. Elvis Presley
9. The Master
10.John F. Kennedy
I know, I know....I just have that effect on people. One day, you too can be like me :-)
P.S. Stop picking different numbers!! I AM YOUR ROLE MODEL, JUST DEAL WITH IT!!!!!!
One Friday morning, John woke up hurriedly and prepared for work. He
worked in a busy institution and was expected early at work. His wife
worked a distance from where her husband's office was. As a result of
doing things in a hurry, John unknowingly, carried his wife's mobile
phone leaving behind his own. After he had gone his wife Jane noticed
the mix-up but it was too late for her to do anything about it. She
thought for a while and decided to carry her husband's phone in case he
came back for it.
wife's phone for his but decided not to go back for it. He sighed deeply
because he knew his wife could access romantic messages sent by his many
mistresses. His wife too was disgusted because she had several toy boys.
Drama began to unfold when John received an SMS intended for his wife
sent by somebody saved as 'Peter-Taxi', which read, "Hi sweetie, ope yo
monin' is fine, 4 me am okay just mad! My love 4 you kills me. I
couldn't stop dreaming about you even after we met last evening coz you
hold the password to ma heart." John was shocked to see this and thought
he understood why his wife had come home late the previous evening. He
decided to stay mum to see what more would come.
After one hour he received another SMS from somebody saved as
'Susan-Salon' which read, "Monin darling, ope ur fine, am also fine but
not so fine without seeing you next to me coz you control every part of
ma heart. Nice day sweetie, see you at lunch." The third SMS ticked in
from somebody saved as 'Winnie-Handbags' which read, "Monin ma beautiful
queen, I wish you were a gum, I would chew you every time, you make me
feel young like I was born yesterday, you without whom I would go on a
hunger strike. Have a bright day ma dear." John was deeply shocked by
these messages but knew that on the other side his wife might be seeing
drama too. Meanwhile, Jane had seen even more than her husband. She had
received three messages from three women that clearly showed they were
his mistresses. The first SMS was from a woman saved as 'Ochieng-Car
wash' which read, "Hi deah how's ur monin? 4 me am okay with ur son
here, he says he loves you so much n you should come n stay with us.
gday." Jane almost fainted on seeing this because she could not believe
that her husband had a son outside marriage.
Before her anger was over, she received a second SMS from'
'Omosh-Kinyozi' which read, "Monin ma deah, ope ur enjoyin ur day. Mine
can't be complete without you. Every time I sleep in this house you
bought 4 me I dream 2 love u always. The BM u bought me is perfect on
road. Thanks, g'day." The last message came from 'Karanja-Electician'
and read, "Sasa honey? Ope uko poa, mimi niko fiti hapa campo, lakini
nikumiss sana . But honey kuna doh tunadaiwa za project 40k, nita come
unishow vile tutalipa. Nice day love you big." Jane had found the answer
to why her husband was always penniless! When evening came John and Jane
met at home. They could hardly talk but only stared at one another with
Then they called you to intervene, sincerely would you solve this?
Monday, November 2, 2009
Sunday, November 1, 2009
bouncing up and down. The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen. She dresses quickly and goes to find him..
The son sees his mom and asks, 'What were you and Dad doing?'
The mother replies, 'Well, you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it and help flatten it..'
'You're wasting your time,' said the boy.
'Why is that?' the mom asked puzzled.
'Well, when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her
knees and blows it right back up through a hose in Daddy's zipper.
The Mother fainted.
Monday, October 26, 2009
1 Gsan in action at the BET cypher
Gsan posing with rapper WaleGsan posing with rapper/actor Mos Def
Gsan posing with dj Premier and rapper KRS One
PRESS RELEASE - for immediate release
Amsterdam, 25 October 2009
represent Africa at 2009
America's annual 'gathering of giants' pays tribute to Tanzanian hip hop
Rapper Gsan of the group X Plastaz from Arusha, Tanzania, is representing Africa in this year's edition of the BET Hip Hop Awards, broadcast on BET (Black Entertainment Television) in the USA. Meanwhile, X Plastaz' dj/producer Threesixty is heard all around the world through his production for majorhip hop artist Redman (Def Jam).
The annual BET Hip Hop Awards are watched by millions of hip hop fans across the United States. Especially the part of the show in which Gsan participates, titled the BET Hip Hop Awards cypher, is highly anticipated as it's a true gathering of giants in rap music. The cypher, in which the artists go back to the raw essence of hip hop, sees legendary dj/producer Premier team up with emcees such as Mos Def, Black Thought, Eminem and . The section in which BET pays tribute to the growing popularity of hip hop from East Africa by including Gsan has the Arusha-born rapper performing alongside veteran rapper KRS One along with newcomers Wale and Nipsey Hussle.
The inclusion of X Plastaz in this year's BET Hip Hop Awards came about when BET contacted X Plastaz, after seeing their music video 'Nini dhambi kwa mwenye dhiki' on the Youtube website. 'Nini dhambi' which has drawn over 400.000 views is one of the most popular East African music videos on the web. Gsan flew out to Brooklyn, New York where the cypher was pre-recorded in an empty factory building. His contribution was a rap in Swahili over an old school loop, cut up by dj Premier. While Swahili language hip hop was something new for the other artists, KRS One and Premier were full of love for the African input into this year's cypher.
After recording the cypher, Gsan attended the Awards ceremony which took place in Atlanta on October 10, and which will finally be broadcast .
Says Gsan in an interview with Emcee Africa presenter Lee Kasumba: "Well, the Cypher segment was recorded in New York before the actual award ceremony. For me, it was just amazing to be there with people like Eminem, KRS One, DJ Premier playing the beats, and being able to showcase what I had. Many people were blown away with what I did and asked me why I rhymed in Swahili ‘cause they wanted to understand. I was just like ‘English is not my first language, I speak it, I love it but you will be able to mess me up if I rhyme in English’. There were emcees from all over the world in one setting, and I was happy to represent for Africa. I wasn’t starstruck, just glad to showcase what I did and could do with my American counterparts. I mean, think of it, we really have the same names, just one word changes, African American and African, do you understand what that means?"
Also this week, X Plastaz dj Threesixty (real name: Bamba Nazar) is being hailed as a breath of fresh air in hip hop as his production for Def Jam-artist Redman was distributed across the internet. The beat reminds of the energetic of the late 1970's and is a sureshot dancefloor filler. The song, titled 'Coc Back', is the first single off Redman's long awaited new album titled 'Reggie Noble 9.5' which will be released in December. The video for 'Coc Back' will be out this week.
Watch Gsan from X Plastaz in the BET Hip Hop Awards cypher on BET. Outside of USA the cypher can be watched on Youtube from the day after the Awards show.
Official BET Hip Hop Awards website: http://www.bet.com/specials/hiphopawards09
X Plastaz website: http://www.xplastaz.com
Dj Threesixty website: http://www.bambanazar.com
Also see this clip in which dj Premier announced the participants of this year's cypher (mispronouncing Gsan as 'Anson'):
More photos from the Awards ceremony: http://www.ozonemag.com/gallery/main.php?g2_itemId=550377
PRESS CONTACT - NOT FOR PUBLICATION:
X Plastaz management / publicity: Thomas Gesthuizen (Juma4) - email: email@example.com
Tel. +31 618471074 (the Netherlands)