END OF YEAR PRIZE CANDY!!

It has been a while since we had some candy! As expected, the boys stopped passing by to get free hand outs!Quite amazing!
Hope you enjoy the jokes, perhaps putting a smile or smirk on your face at some point in your dreary day?
I have decided to say Happy New Year to all of you by featuring the lady of the Year! Rihanna! Now R-Rated, she has had an engaging year! We are now watching her perhaps de-stressing?

Whatever it is, Good gal Gone Bad gett'n our Voltrons Up!!

ITS TO BIG, TOO WIDE, TOO LONG...IT WON'T FIT..!

A young couple, just married, were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As Emma undressed for bed, the husband (who was a burly bruiser) tossed his pants to his bride and said, "Here, put these on." She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body. "I can't wear your pants", she said. "That's right!", said the husband, "and don't you ever forget it. I'm the man who wears the pants in this family!"

With that, she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on." He tried them on, and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecap. He said, "Hell, I can't get into your panties!" She said, "That's right and that's the way it's going to be until your stupid attitude changes!"

LOVE FOR SANTA

The Santa Claus at the shopping mall was very surprised when a Emily, young lady aged about 20 years old walked up and sat on his lap. Now, we all know that Santa doesn't usually take requests from adults, but she smiled very nicely at him, so he asked her, 'What do you want for Christmas?'

'Something for my mother, please,' replied Emily sweetly.

'Something for your mother? Well, that's very loving and thoughtful of you,' smiled Santa. 'What do would you like me to bring her?'

Without turning a hair Emily answered quickly, 'A son-in-law.'

AVATAR

Official Avatar Movie

DEAR MZUNGU

MID MONTH LIQUIDITY BLUES...

Dear Salary

Please come back to STAY with me.
You left in such a rush last month,
I didn't even have time to tell you about my plans.

I'm sorry about what I did last month.
I promise I'll be good this month.

Luv you with all my debts!

Shhhhhhhh..... don't tell anyone....I think NMB Bank, CRDB, Stanbic, AZANIA and
NBC are bankrupt . Yesterday I tried to draw money at all their ATM's, and I got the same
message "Insufficient Funds"

They too don't have cash!


Yours...,

SHITTING UP!

Once upon a time there was a nonconforming sparrow who decided not to
fly south for the winter. However, soon the weather turned so cold that
he reluctantly started to fly south. In a short time ice began to form
on his wings and he fell to earth in a barnyard, almost frozen. A cow
passed by and crapped on the little sparrow.

The sparrow thought it was the end. But the manure warmed him and
defrosted his wings. Warm and happy, able to breathe, he started to
sing.

Just then a large cat came by and, hearing the chirping, investigated
the sounds. The cat cleared away the manure, found the chirping bird,
and promptly ate him.

THE MORAL OF THE STORY
1) Everyone who shits on you is not necessarily your enemy.
2) Everyone who gets you out of the shit is not necessarily your
friend.
3) And if you're warm and happy in a pile of shit, keep your mouth
shut.

POKEY DICK!!

This guy goes into the local drug store to buy some comdoms. He goes up to the young girl behind the counter and asks her where they keep them.
"Well that depends on what size you are." the young lady replies.

"Well, I really don't know, I've never bought a box before."
"Well," the girs says "if you go out back, you will find a fence just outside the door with three holes in it, a small, medium, and large hole. Just stick your penis in each hole and what ever hole fits best that's what size you are."
"O.K, I'll be right back."

Meanwhile the girl sneaks out back before the man gets there drops her pants and backs up to the small hole.

The man gets there, whips out his thing and pokes it in the small hole, takes it out and goes to the medium hole. Meanwhile the girls also backs up to the medium hole, then to the large hole at the same time the man tries out each size.

After the man finishes, he zips up and returns to the cash, where he finds the young girl already there.
"Did you find out what size you are?" She asks him.
"No!" the man replies, "but I would like to buy 12 feet of that fence!"

WRONG NUMBER

It's Saturday morning and John's just about to set off on a round of golf when he realizes that he forgot to tell his wife that the guy who fixes the washing machine is coming around at noon. So John heads back to the clubhouse and phones home.

"Hello?" says a little girl's voice.

"Hi, honey, it's Daddy," says John. "Is Mommy near the phone?"

"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Fred."

After a brief pause, John says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Fred, honey!"

"Yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy!"

"Okay, then. Here's what I want you do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout in to Mommy and Uncle Fred that my car's just pulled up outside the house."

"Okay, Daddy!" A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. "Well, I did what you said, Daddy."

"And what happened?"

"Well, Mommy jumped out of bed and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went out the front window and now she's all dead."

"Oh, my God! What about Uncle Fred?"

"He jumped out of bed too, and he was all scared, and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool. But he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he's dead too."

There is a long pause.

"Swimming pool? Sorry wrong number.

SANELY INSANE

Good News And Bad News
Jim and Mary were both patients in a Mental Hospital. One day while they
were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sunk to the bottom and stayed there. Mary promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.

When the medical director became aware of Mary's heroic act he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as he now considered her to be mentally stable.

When he went to tell Mary the news he said, "Mary, I have good news and
bad news. The good news is you're being discharged because since you were
able to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you've regained your senses. The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead."

Mary replied "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry."

OUCH!!!!

Police officers George and Mary, had been assigned to
walk the beat.

They had only been out a short while when Mary said, "Damn,
I was running late this morning after my workout and after I
showered, I forgot to put on my panties! We have to go back
to the station to get them."

George replied, "We don't have to go back, just give the K-9
unit, Fido, one sniff, and he will go fetch them for you."

It was a hot day and Mary didn't fell like heading back to the
station, so she lifted her skirt for the dog. Fido's nose
shoots between her legs, sniffing and snorting.

After 10 seconds of sniffing, Fido's ears pick up, he sniffs
the wind, and he is off in a flash towards the station house.

Five minutes go by and no sign of Fido.

Ten minutes pass, and the dog is nowhere to be seen.

Fifteen minutes pass, and they are starting to worry.

Twenty minutes pass, and they hear sirens in the distance.
The sirens get louder and louder. Suddenly, followed by a
dozen police cars, Fido rounds the corner with the Desk
Sergeant's balls in his mouth.

COMMON LAPSE

An absent-minded husband thought he had conquered his problem of trying to remember his wife's birthday and their anniver- sary. He opened an account with a florist, provided that florist with the dates and instructions to send flowers to his wife on these dates along with an appropriate note signed, "Your loving husband."

His wife was thrilled by this new display of attention and all went well until one day, some bouquets later, when he came home, kissed his wife and said off-handedly, "Nice flowers, honey. Where'd you get them?"

MAKING THE RIGHT DECISION

Can we share the challenges we face in making decisions!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A group of children were playing near two railway tracks, one still in use while the other disused.

Only one child played on the disused track, the rest on the operational track.

The train is coming, and you are just beside the track interchange.

You can make the train change its course to the disused track and save most of the kids.

However, that would also mean the lone child playing by the disused track would be sacrificed.

Or would you rather let the train go its way?

Let's take a pause to think what kind of decision we could make........ .......

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Most people might choose to divert the course of the train, and sacrifice only one child. You might think the same way, I guess. Exactly, to save most of the children at the expense of only one child was rational decision most people would make, morally and emotionally. But, have you ever thought that the child choosing to play on the disused track had in fact made the right decision to play at a safe place?

Nevertheless, he had to be sacrificed because of his ignorant friends who chose to play where the danger was.

This kind of dilemma happens around us everyday. In the office, community, in politics and especially in a democratic society,
the minority is often sacrificed for the interest of the majority, no matter how foolish or ignorant the majority are, and how farsighted and knowledgeable the minority are. The child who chose not to play with the rest on the operational track was sidelined. And in the case he was sacrificed, no one would shed a tear for him.

The great critic Leo Velski Julian who told the story said he would not try to change the course of the train because he believed that the kids playing on the operational track should have known very well that track was still in use, and that they should have run away if they heard the train's sirens.. If the train was diverted, that lone child would definitely die because he never thought the train could come over to that track! Moreover, that track was not in use probably because it was not safe.

If the train was diverted to the track, we could put the lives of all passengers on board at stake!

And in your attempt to save a few kids by sacrificing one child, you might end up sacrificing hundreds of people to save these few kids.

While we are all aware that life is full of tough decisions that need to be made, we may not realize that hasty decisions may not always be the right one.

'Remember that what's right isn't always popular... and what's popular isn't always right.'

Everybody makes mistakes; that's why they put erasers on pencils.

Have a blessed week

From my friend Rwekaza